When No One Seems to Understand…

It pays to be honest with your feelings. It's easier to hide them when you know it’s going to create conflicts and fights. It is especially hard with family and close friends because it’s a risk that they can take advantage to hurt us in the future. We don't want to be condemned and misjudged. At least this is true to me.

I choose peace over truth by remaining silent and by withdrawing if there's an argument or if am confronted. I thought that was easier without realizing that I still have to face them (the issues) in the future. And I am confronted.

I thought I was successful with my relationship with my friends when I chose silence over discussion and when I suppressed my real feelings than to express them. I thought it was success because they are still my friends until now as far as I am concerned. But the issues I have been running away from are arising with new relationships and friendships I have. And I have to face them. Now, I am facing them.

If you know me, I am not really good with confrontation but I have learned to face them—to listen and probe other's feelings and let them speak not realizing that one day I will have to face the same situation. The time has come that I'd break my silence.

It took several arguments with a close friend for me to learn how to express my thoughts, my feelings, my worries and my fears without being condemned and judged… still with the assurance that I am loved and accepted… helping me unload my heavy feelings toward our disagreement. And now I am understood.

I always say that it was hard to guess what other's are thinking and feeling so I want to know but I also don't know how to do that when I am in the same situation and is hurting. I made my loved ones guess what I was feeling. And it wasn't that easy… you could ask Abby how many sighs and deep breaths she heard and had to listen before I finally spoke one word and then phrases not even a complete sentence still afraid to be misunderstood. But I expect to be understood.

One day, I heard from DZAS as they were discussing about communication that most of us assume that people close to us already understand and should understand why we are behaving a certain way because they have known us already. But those expectations and assumptions aren't true most of the time, if not all the time. And I proved it true but I still would have to argue that they should because I do. At a certain level yes but it still takes an open communication. Have I really communicated my thoughts and feelings clearly? I guess not. Then I tried. And now somebody understands and is still trying to understand…

When it doesn’t feel comfortable anymore…

this blog has been in my draft for more than five months now... i forgot why i wasn't able to post it but when i saw it again... i felt that this is the right time to post it.

I'd rather be silent. Run away. Escape. Or just evaporate from that situation… But it was going through those uncomfortable moments that I've learned. I'm glad that I didn’t escape and run away.

It's happening again. I'm facing uncomfortable situations that I thought of escaping. But I want to learn the lesson that goes with it. So I choose to stay and face the fears... the discomfort...

One of the greatest lessons in life, I have learned in Faith Bible College. I could have just escaped it if I wanted to but I chose to stay because I want to be a better person and to be prepared for the greater task the Lord has for me. And I am glad I did. I stayed I endured. It was painful and I have caused so much pain also to the teachers and even to my mom. Simple rule I couldn't follow but I tried even if it meant giving up my own comforts and "joys". If I didn't learn until now I would be a headache to my leaders.

I remember saying a prayer to God during those uncomfortable moments that may He give me the grace to go through the situation as I submit to Him as He was molding me and preparing me... I won't forget those moments that i brought headache and heartaches because i choose to do things my own way and wouldn't want to follow...

now I am experiencing the reverse having some people giving me heartaches and headaches by not doing simple tasks and responsibilities. Having been in their situation, I think I understand how they think and feel... but being on the other side this time... it wasn't comfortable for me also to confront people because I hate to be hated. But I have to even if it doesn't feel comfortable again...

Challenges in the Journey

When your vision is challenged and your passion is questioned...

I thought everything's now clear and will be fine. I have seen it--the mountain peak. That's where we're going. We started the journey at the foot of the mountain excited looking forward to being at the top resting on clouds and enjoying the view. There are challenges along the way. Obstacles to overcome and going through the dark trails of the forest. Looking up we didn’t see the top of the mountain anymore. And it feels like we are going nowhere… We’re getting tired already and physically exhausted. Temper aren't controllable anymore creating conflicts. I hear somebody complaining, the others murmuring. I'm getting discouraged as well. Everybody doesn’t seem to be cooperating anymore. They wanted to go back now and abandon the journey. Some are thinking it isn't worth it. I don't know what to do. I thought I was leading and guiding but I am also lost and even questioning if it is really the right track. But I am sure I was led here. This is the way that was shown to me. This is what the map said the right track. There are no shortcuts. And we were also warned of the dangers along the way. That made us aware of the things to expect but I didn’t know it's going to be this hard and that the tension and danger will include of internal conflicts and struggles. I thought those would be brought by the outside factors but the struggle within and among us are even harder. It is all dark now and all I can hear are complaints and murmuring.

I just closed my eyes and listen again to my Guide. When I opened my eyes, there was a glimpse of light at the end of the woods. I followed the light. I was like standing on an open space/hill with the dark forest behind me and a beautiful view of the mountain peak in front of me. Once again, my Guide showed me where He was leading me and where I am going. I didn't know some followed me and they, too saw what I have seen but the others who are complaining stayed. I have to go back and tell them about it. It wasn't that easy to convince discouraged and frustrated people on the journey but they got to see the picture. I hope everybody would see it and be encouraged again that we are on the right track with the view once again shown to us in the middle of discouragements and frustrations.